r/AmItheAsshole • u/False-Worldliness664 • 20d ago
AITA for giving my granddaughter a DNA test. Not the A-hole
This is about my granddaughter Lindsey. Now Lindsey (15) has it rough being middle child and she looks different from her siblings. I truly was confused how she had blond curly hair while the rest of the family has dark hair. I though genetics was being weird and I love her.
The issue came up when Lindsey told me her parents banned her from getting an ancestry test. I told my son and DIL that there was something fishy around her birth she needs to know. They denied it and told me to leave it alone. Now Lindsey is in high-school and she went to her biology teacher. To put it bluntly the teacher said it was odd for her to have some traits.
She came to me distressed asking me to buy an DNA test since she needs to know. Long story short she is not her mothers kid. My son got someone else pregnant and her bio mom gave her up.
This has blown up the family while Lindsey is pissed to being lied to, I am getting a ton of heat for getting her a DNA test. Now they won’t talk to me which is making Lindsey even more mad at them.
Edit: because I have answered this multiple times. They were on the other side of the country when she was born and I met Lindsey when she was about 6 months old. Really not hard to hide the whole thing
Edit2: I am confused why a lot of Redditors are treating this like she is 5 and not 15. All I did was buy it she did all the paperwork and shipped it. It’s not hard
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u/Shake_Speare423 Partassipant [3] 20d ago
NTA.
Your son and his wife suck for lying to her until she is 15 about something so important and trying to keep lying to her even after she obviously started to question things. There are medical reasons a person might need to know what their genetics are/are not and if you hadn’t helped her she would have found out some other way.
At least this way she knows she has one friend and ally who will be honest with her. Take care of each other during this difficult time.
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u/False-Worldliness664 20d ago
I really hope they have bio moms medical history.
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u/RemembrancerLirael 20d ago
At the very least, even if they don’t have it, knowing her adoptive mom isn’t her biological mom means they won’t make assumptions based on false history.
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u/RemembrancerLirael 20d ago
For future reference, your granddaughter can now use her adoption as a way to access certain medical exams than insurance wouldn’t otherwise provide, such as genetic testing for cancer genes.
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u/Cherisse23 19d ago
This will also be very important should she try (and especially if she ever struggles) to conceive and around menopause.
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u/RemembrancerLirael 19d ago
This! So much this! We couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t conceive, my adoptive parents were just going to let me suffer through it rather than give me the information that ultimately led to a successful pregnancy.
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u/Moohamin12 19d ago
Not telling an adopted child the truth once they are old enough isn't protecting them. It's protecting yourself.
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u/IndirectLeek 19d ago
It's protecting yourself.
Protecting yourself from being revealed to be an asshole, specifically.
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u/FullPruneNight 19d ago
I wish people understood JUST how big of an asshole you have to be to do this to a kid.
I was adopted by abusive assholes who medically neglected me, hit me, berated me, gaslit me, told me the biggest regret of her life was adopting me. Destroyed me so bad mentally and physically that I have lasting injuries and fucking PTSD from it.
EVEN THOSE ABUSIVE ASSHOLES told me I was adopted from before I was old enough to know what the word meant. They explained it in developmentally appropriate terms, and kept contact with my birth mother, and made sure I knew that she loved me even if she couldn’t raise me.
If my godawful abusive-ass adoptive parents who I kicked out of my life can manage to handle adoption dialogue mostly right, any halfway decent person has NO GODDAMN EXCUSE.
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u/TyFell 19d ago
Not even old enough. Never make it a secret, or weird. Make it something they've always known.
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u/-chimerical- 19d ago
This. I’m the oldest of four; sister closest to me in age and myself are biological, my brother and youngest sister are adopted. It’s never been a secret, ever.
Very worth mentioning that they are different ethnicities than we are, so trying to pretend would have been beyond futile, but the point is their stories have never been hidden from them. They’ve been taught about their countries of origin, they’ve been told how they came to be a part of our family, and importantly, those things were told freely before anyone had to ask. It’s entirely possible to give information in bite-sized, age-appropriate ways that doesn’t overwhelm a child— and also doesn’t set them up for the trauma of realizing they’ve been lied to about the most important chapter in their story for their entire life.
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u/Donut_swordfish 19d ago
The trying to pretend part makes me think of that ones scene in Easy A
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u/TherapeuTea 19d ago
This should be standard practice. Tell from young make it normal, not some odd family scandal. Kid deserve to feel accepted as they are and knows that theyre loved no matter what.
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u/Wildsing 19d ago
An aunt in my neighbourhood adopted two children, she told them when they were little that they haven’t come from her tummy but from her heart. I felt that was a very sweet way to explain it to young kids.
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u/NotYourReddit18 19d ago
This also gives them access to one of the best counters for schoolyard insult battles: "At least I know that my parents wanted me!"
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u/Hot_Entertainment_27 19d ago
When is old enough? From what I understand always being truthful and age adequate is the best approach. Yes, I see how in this specific situation it is complicated, but... Waiting does not solve the issue.
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u/AntheaBrainhooke Asshole Aficionado [19] 19d ago
Age zero is old enough.
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u/Fiesty_tofu 19d ago
Zero or the age they are when they join their adoptive family. You just explain the circumstances age appropriately if it is something complicated.
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u/Fiesty_tofu 19d ago
Old is enough is from the moment they join your family, even if they don’t have language yet. Adoptees should always know. I’m adopted. I don’t even remember being told, it’s just something I’ve always known as my parents didn’t hide it and spoke about it with me and my older brother (also adopted, not genetically related) from the moment re joined them as infants. We had a picture book called why was I adopted which I assume was read to us from a very young age as I just always knew what was in it.
Finding this information out at any age other than immediately on joining your family is devastating to your identity (source: adoptive friends who found out as kids/in their teens/adults, OPs granddaughter, anyone over in the adoption subs that has found out). Honestly it has to be something your child can’t pinpoint being told if it happened as an infant or the discussion happened when they joined the family at whatever age that was. Basically it should never be a secret.
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u/Jazstar 19d ago
That's some serious bullshit right there. Baffles me how some people can act like that.
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u/RemembrancerLirael 19d ago
The worst part is they struggled with infertility so you’d think if anyone was sympathetic to our situation…
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u/morbid_n_creepifying 20d ago
It's not the end of the world if they don't. My mom is adopted and has never found her biological father. We have no medical history on that end of the family. When I had my kid I just did extra genetic testing to make sure everything would be fine.
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u/YourFriendInSpokane 20d ago
I appreciate this take. I have custody of a baby who is potentially my brothers son. The only benefit I see to getting a DNA test would be so that I know half of his medical history. But I think baby can grow up healthy and happy regardless.
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u/TuviaBielski 20d ago
FWIW, when my wife finally found her birth mother at ~50 she learned that her bio-sister and bio-uncle both died of pancreatic cancer. According to the CDC that meant that she had a 30% chance of developing it herself.
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u/morbid_n_creepifying 20d ago
In my case, the family I do have a thorough medical history of (my dad's family) is riddled with cancer, heart attacks, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Literally every single parental figure in my family (people my parents' age) has diabetes and arthritis.
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u/PolkaDotDancer 20d ago
Ugh! I wonder what my odds are? Bio brother, bio great aunt, bio cousin all died of it.
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u/Rhamni 20d ago
The child also has a right to know where they came from. It's incredibly selfish and cruel to keep something like that from them.
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u/dream-smasher 20d ago
Are you taking specifically about the commenter who has custody of what could "potentially" be her brother's kid?
Cos, if you read between the lines there, it's very apparent that there may be issues here that we are not privy to, and suffice to say that they may know best regarding that situation .
Think about it for a moment.
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u/Technicolor_Reindeer Partassipant [1] 20d ago
And if the kid tells you he need to know for peace of mind?
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop 20d ago
Anyone giving you shit about this is an asshole.
To me this whole ordeal is a no-brainer.
She's a person who wants to know her ancestry.
Her age is irrelevant, despite anyone trying to make that an issue.
Too bad if mom & dad got caught in a lie.
If people don't want that to happen, don't lie.
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u/rammaam 19d ago
Agreed. I didn't know my true paternity for years, hated them for that.
People deserve to know the truth of their bloodline & no amount of gaslighting from the people who cheated & lied isn't going to change that.
They turn it around on you because they don't want to own up to what they've done.
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u/yaoikat 20d ago
OP, sooner or later she would've found out.
I understand the heat but it will pass, what the kid needs the most right now is an honest friend, and you sure seem more than capable to take the job. NTA, you rock!
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u/just_a_person_maybe 19d ago
Yeah, she's 15 and it was clearly very important to her. She was probably thinking all kinds of worst case scenarios, affair, kidnapping, rape baby, etc. Not knowing something like that is terrible and you don't just let it go. She would have found someone else to buy it, found a way to buy it herself, or just done it in a few years as an adult.
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u/Kangaroo-Pack-3727 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
Hi OP, you are not wrong so NTA and the kid has the right to know so please do not feel guilty on this. Secondly you wrote that the kid's school biology teacher has said "it was odd for her to have some traits." right?
OP now the ball is in your court and what you need to do now is have a word with Lindsey and tell her that you love her no matter what and she will always be family to you. Tell her that you do not love her less and it is not her fault for being born as a result of some affair between her dad and her biological mum. Tell her you will always be there for her and tell her that you have her back.
Be prepared for whatever fallout Lindsey will have with her parents so if she suddenly says she wants to stay with you until the heat dies down, let her stay with you
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u/IamLuann 20d ago
I was going to suggest this. OP is a safe person.so she is also the safe place for Lindsey. I hope that everyone gets the answers that they need. Including the biology teacher.
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u/Kangaroo-Pack-3727 Partassipant [2] 20d ago
OP also needs to tell Lindsey that she is not a mistake and assure the kid that she is not defined by the actions of two adults who built a relationship through lies, betrayal and cheating. No child chooses to be born as a product of an affair
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u/GuidedByPebbles 19d ago
Well, Lindsey IS family, she's biologically related to OP, there's no question about that: "My son got someone else pregnant . . . "
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u/InfectedAlloy88 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 20d ago
Seriously you did well. I'm adopted by another family member and my biomom was always in and out of the picture, no medical history to speak of. On top of that, my biodad was a closed adoption outside the family. So I have zero medical history other than my own.
You've given her a chance to get ahead of this at a young enough age that some biofamily may still be alive to answer these vital questions. Please express to hear she should try to find out medical info and help her if you can, because 15yo have no sense of their own mortality. I wish I'd have made that effort while I still could, I'm healthy but genetic testing for cancers and genetics isnt usually covered and is expensive.
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u/PolkaDotDancer 20d ago
I was lucky my BRCA was covered. But the swath of women in my family who have died of ovarian and breast cancer is gruesome.
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u/CowboyLaw 20d ago
The thing about shake’s post I want to make sure you took to heart was the ally thing. Hard to tell what your granddaughter is going through, and equally hard to tell how many people she has to turn to. You were there for her to help her find the truth, make sure you’re there for her to help her deal with the truth. For as long as it takes.
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u/Royal-Ad-7052 20d ago
As someone that was part of a closed adoption (a good happy one) I actually went the way of genetic testing. Found out I have a really rare genetic mutation that makes me susceptible to multiple types of cancer so def recommend getting medical history or genetic testing if possible. Thankfully found this out before any cancer and I just am well screened at this point and generally have an easy time getting doctors appts since I’m a genetic unicorn (in a bad way)
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u/Plasticity93 Partassipant [3] 20d ago
The age of keeping this sort of secret is OVER. DNA tests are a recreational activity these days. Another decade or two and they'll be a high school biology lab.
The moment they banned her from a DNA test they basically admitted to what happened.
People caught up on these lies need to come clean now. The kids will find the truth now that it's only $100 and 15 minutes of work.
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u/KimB-booksncats-11 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
The moment they banned her from a DNA test they basically admitted to what happened.
Yeah, when I read that my first thought was, "Way to announce they are lying about her genetics somehow..."
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u/Kingsdaughter613 20d ago
I mean, I’d ban my kids from doing those tests. If they want a DNA test, it can be done by a medical professional with full HIPAA protections. Those ancestry companies sell your genetic data and I’m not okay with that.
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u/throwaway234f32423df 20d ago
Never mind selling it, don't they give it to the government for free?
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u/indyK1ng 19d ago
Yup, if the government suspects you of a crime and has a crime scene DNA sample they can request it from the DNA testing companies. I don't think the companies even require a warrant for it.
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u/HelpersWannaHelp 19d ago
You sign a waiver when uploading your dna data to these databases, like GEDmatch. People committing crimes can’t stop relatives from uploading their data. They usually find matches by first finding a distant relative then working through their ancestry family tree. There’s nothing wrong with it. Don’t leave DNA at crime scenes and you don’t have to worry about it. My brother in law was confused when like 20 people contacted him on 23 and me asking if he was their dad. Not even kidding, he donated sperm anonymously in college like 20 years ago, then submitted a sample to 23 and me with the rest of the family. Oops.
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u/indyK1ng 19d ago
What about the DNA left behind at a gay club in a country where being gay is a crime? What about the DNA in an aborted fetus in a state where that is a crime? DNA tests in countries which legislate class, rights, and life based on ethnic background?
And what about the people who want to introduce those types of laws where they don't exist?
What about the person who can't afford food and clothes who doesn't know their relatives have submitted their DNA?
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u/Reddit_Support_Bot 19d ago
Exactly. The "I have nothing to hide" argument doesn't hold water, unless that person can see the future.
I might just be passing through somewhere and shed a hair unknowingly, only for it to become a crime scene later.
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u/Fakename6968 20d ago
Your DNA as an individual isn't particularly useful or valuable, especially since 23 and me and (some) similar companies won't sell it to insurance companies or marketing companies without consent.
In aggregate the data can provide some useful functions for research and other for profit industries, but as an individual you don't have much to worry about.
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u/Kingsdaughter613 20d ago
That doesn’t mean I want it sold.
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u/AbjectAppointment 19d ago
The companies doctors use do the same sort of thing. aggregate data sold to pharams, ect.
Be sure to read all the paperwork before you expect HIPAA coverage. Hell all it takes is a BAA with that company and an IRB waiver to check out everyones data de-identified (though I expect that is rare).
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u/Alternative_Oil2951 20d ago
There.was a huge leak so a lot of people's DNA is in the dark web.
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u/Lillitnotreal 20d ago edited 19d ago
A child thinks their parent can organise this, and they know that they themselves can't. If the parent can't organise any situation in which it's 'safe enough for their child to confirm if that parent actually is their parent, it looks pretty bad.
It's logical to a parent, but a blanket refusal to even engage with the idea is basically confirmation to a child who's doubting.
I imagine its probable if you saw your child suffering from all the self doubt and lack of security it brings to think that you not only don't have parents, but the people looking after you are lying too you and pretending to be them, you'd end up thinking the damage of someone selling your DNA data is the lesser of the two evils. One is so much worse than the other.
One is a breach of privacy, the other is never being able to trust your guardians again. The two just aren't really comparable in scale.
TL:DR - the choice is between risking a possible (though very real) breach of your child's privacy, or that child pretty much viewing both primary care givers as imposters or untrustworthy with important issues. Both taste like shit, but one is a considerably more tolerable flavour than the other.
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u/Kingsdaughter613 19d ago
I’d take my kid to a doctor and request a paternity and maternity test then. Problem solved, no DNA sold. Offering to do a paternity test for her might have allowed the parents to keep lying, ironically.
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u/aranelsaraphim 20d ago
It will never be a high school biology lab for this reason alone. We used to be able to test blood types - can't anymore and not just because of HIV; it's also because it was turning up family secrets!
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u/ZweitenMal 20d ago
My sister teaches high school biotech and they literally have the equipment in her classroom. All they'd need is the dataset and the software to run the comparisons.
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u/Burntoastedbutter 20d ago
Yeah if OP didn't do it , she would've just done it later on when she could. It's the inevitable as people what say
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u/bladehawk11 20d ago
NTA - Guaranteed she was going to find this out in 3 years anyway. At least this way she knows that someone and her family is more concerned about her mental health and well-being than their own.
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u/OldManSpeed 20d ago
This is the only acceptable answer. There are legitimate, tangible, life-&-death reasons for knowing your genetics. Lindsey absolutely deserves to know the truth. This overrides her parents' desire to pretend everything is fine & dandy. History will judge you to have done the right thing, OP. NTA.
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u/legal_bagel 20d ago
Agreed. I was adopted in a closed adoption. I had to learn most of my genetic background the long hard way until I met my bio parents.
Found out after my own hypertensive emergency that my biodad had a heart attack and stent at 55 and my maternal uncles both have had heart issues since their 50s as well. Lucky me, I got hypermobile joints from someone, adhd from my dad, and heart problems from everyone. Thanks genetics.
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u/chronic_collette 20d ago
This is why I have extreme empathy for my father who has his own adoption trauma, but still feel like I have a right to know my family history. He found out in a cruel way and decided he wanted nothing to do with his bio parents, even when info was offered to him as an adult.
I have some genetic conditions that I'm already presenting with and would just like to know if I'm dealing with anything else or need to be on the lookout. I plan on getting tests done once I can afford it, but it would save a lot of resources to just have someone give me the history.
Funny story... As a kid I always answered "yes" to family history of heart disease, not understanding that that's not how family history works and genetically, my father's parents are not my bio grandparents (though obviously I loved them and they loved me like we were). I also believed I got certain physical traits from my grandma, which again is not possible lol
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u/laurenzobeans 20d ago
Environment and upbringing are huge. You absolutely could share triggers, stressors, certain health problems, and traits with your family, even though you are adopted.
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u/tinymountainmom 20d ago
NTA.
I thought me and my younger brother shared a dad until I was 14. I wasn’t heartbroken about it, but I was annoyed they kept it a secret. My (adopted) father never wanted me know. My mother told me randomly, probably something to do with some kind of spite. I felt embarrassed if anything. Everyone (adult wise) around me knew. Made a lot of comments I thought back to feel… weird. “You look like your dad” type comments. Turns out my bio father gave up rights and my mom got pregnant by my brothers dad with brother 2 years later and he adopted me. My mom said “you never seen your birth certificate so i thought you’d be suspicious/would figure it out” I still don’t know any 14 yr olds who care about their birth certificate… lol.
Years later my racist (adopted) father stopped talking to me over my choice in partner and I met my bio dad who is an addict (like my mother) so ya know… sometimes you just can’t win lol.
Op, you were right to help her out. Not like you solely did it to satisfy yourself, even if that was part of the reason.
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u/Kingsdaughter613 20d ago
Just to note: my niece is adopted. She looks JUST like her (adoptive) Dad. It’s insane how much she resembles him. You’d never guess they have no biological connection. She knows she’s adopted, btw. Don’t worry.
So it may be that you really do look like him. And many “looks” are actually mannerisms, so it may be that you have many of those and that’s why people are noticing the resemblance.
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u/Buchanan-Barnes1925 19d ago
My daughter looks just like her adopted dad as well. Everyone has always assumed she was his even though she didn’t meet him until she was 7.
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u/itchy118 20d ago
Years later my racist (adopted) father stopped talking to me over my choice in partner and I met my bio dad who is an addict (like my mother) so ya know… sometimes you just can’t win lol.
On the plus side, at least it sounds like you've already won by growing up to become a better person than them (well at least better than your racist adopted father, I don't want to judge someone solely based on the fact that they're addicted to drugs).
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u/Adventurous_Image793 20d ago
My brother was adopted. He never needed to know his genetics. His adoption story was his bed time story. He was never curious to meet his biological parents. The only mistake I see here is the parents hiding the truth
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u/ScreamyPeanut 20d ago edited 19d ago
They are beyond AH for not telling her. I was 6 when I first asked why I looked so different from my parents, they began explaining then. I was adopted. They knew when I was old enough to ask, they should tell me.
My parents were so secretive about everything else, but not my adoption. I thank them for it.
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u/Ambitious_Lock_9631 20d ago
This! My mom found out when she was 45 years old that her biological father was someone else! Also it turns out that in his family most of her bio dad’s sister died of breast cancer due to have the gene. As well as some family have auto immune diseases and my mom has been struggling getting diagnosed since her 20s with a horrible illness after finding that out she was finally able to get diagnosed for the autoimmune disease and because of that also tested for the BRACA2 gene and turns out she had it as well as my siblings and myself and she also found out she had breast cancer in the early stages. (Thankfully she’s okay now)
Knowing your history is important. OPS kid is horrible and the husband too. They should have told her when she was young.
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u/xxDankerstein 20d ago
Agreed. I think they could have told your daughter at a young age, but definitely by around 10 years old they should have told her (especially considering it's quite obvious due to the fact that she looks so different).
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u/RemembrancerLirael 20d ago edited 20d ago
NTA - people have a right to know their genetic heritage. Lying about adoption is linked to increased suicidal ideation, anxiety, & depression. You put her safety & comfort ahead of your son’s preferences.
My grandparents helped my parents lie to me about my adoption & not only have I never forgiven any of them, I’m still in therapy over all of it.
To answer some of the repeated nonsense here: parental rights do not have greater value than a child’s right to access comprehensive medical care, & hiding an adoption does precisely that. Maybe some things, like a child staying healthy, should matter more than a parents right to lie, gaslight, & manipulate their child as they see fit.
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
My parents lied to me about parts of my adoption and I’m still not over that. (They hid my ethnicity/heritage from me.) Even the United Nations recognizes that we have a right to know where we came from. Lying about it is selfish and cruel. And tbh imo it is abusive. It’s a violation of our most basic human rights.
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u/dtsm_ 20d ago
WTF??? I can't even begin to understand the "logic" of hiding your ethnicity
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
I was worth more money being sold as a “white” baby.
Also my adoptive mother said she “didn’t want to deal with any of that race stuff.”
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u/Gotaro_Sato 20d ago
My SIL is adopted and has had multiple health concerns over the course of her life span where family background info was sorely missed. Her adoptive parents sadly didn't have that info to provide to her because it was a closed adoption.
They never lied to her, though. There's massive trust issues created and perpetuated with the way OP's child and spouse have handled this.
I'm sorry that your ancestry was kept from you. We all deserve to know where we came from.
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
Closed adoptions should be illegal. Have you heard of Georgia Tann? The origin of this practice is due to her not wanting to be caught literally stealing peoples’ wanted children.
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u/Temporary-King3339 Asshole Aficionado [12] 20d ago
I was adopted from a closed adoption, and had some basic family medical history. There's a downside to both open and closed. With an open adoption, the bio moms can come back and try and make an emotional claim that isn't justified.
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u/BudandCoyote 19d ago
Most studies show that open adoptions, and growing up knowing you're adopted, even if you don't have contact with any bio family, lead to emotionally healthier children and better outcomes. It's one of the reasons why many countries now don't allow closed adoption at all.
That said. of course on an individual level a closed adoption can be perfect and an open one can go horribly wrong - but overall, open is generally the better way to go. I hope you have a wonderful family :-).
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
People aren’t items you can own. Plus I had a whole family, not just a mom. I have and had a right to know them.
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u/itchy118 20d ago
I would say that at a minimum any adopted child should have the right to know who their birth parents are when they turn 18 (if not younger). The only reason I say 18, and not younger, is the very small risk that the loss of anonymity might result in more child abandonment or infanticide.
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u/Bama_Peach 20d ago edited 20d ago
As an African-American woman in the deep south who has to deal “with that race stuff” on an almost daily basis, I read your comment and sigh about how lovely it must be to be able to choose to not have to deal with it if one doesn’t have to. That sure sounds nice because this shit is exhausting.
As for you, I’m glad you were finally able to learn the truth about your heritage. It’s terrible the way you found out about it though and that you had to live a lie for so many years. I don’t ever want to speak badly on anyone’s mama but that’s quite a stunt she pulled. Everyone deserves to know where (and who) they come from. Best of luck to you and your future self.
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u/vr1252 20d ago
Lol I’m black and my adoptive parents “didn’t want to deal with race stuff” either. It was hard to experience racism as a child and not know why and hard to realize how much racism has affected my life as a teen/adult.
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u/Bama_Peach 19d ago
I'm sorry you had to deal with that growing up. At the very least, I'm thankful I had (have) parents who did everything they could to prepare me for racism and the world they knew I would face.
To have parents who not only can't help you prepare, but flat out deny the challenges even exist because it's too stressful to deal with reality - I can't imagine. A huge part of parenting is doing hard shit you don't want to do and it's surprising how many parents don't understand that (and then cry a river when their children become adults and don't want to have anything to do with them).
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u/Accurate-Ad467 20d ago
Yup! I wish we didn't have to deal with it. I am the product of integration, my white mom was bussed to the black school.
My parent never hide anything from me and were always honest about this world. It's uncomfortable sure but necessary.
My daughter is hella white and only 6 and we have already had uncomfortable conversations about race. The world we live in.
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
Thank you so much. And I’m sorry that the US is so racist. It is literally built by and for white supremacy. It sucks.
My adoptive mom honestly deserves all the negative commentary she gets. She’s gotten a lot less racist, but her bigotry is the reason I’m no longer in contact with her. The last straw for me was her saying that colonization wasn’t genocide. I moved 3k miles away and have a good life now, with my family of origin. I’m also taking steps to reclaim my culture which has been the most healing.
I just want to say thank you again and I hope you are also able to build a life you love.
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u/cheyennevh 20d ago
I felt this. My adoptive mom was the same way. She told me I wasn’t “native enough for it to matter” turns out I’m “native enough” to carry a card and would have been raised in the culture of my birth mom hadn’t been forced to adopt me out.
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u/CountessMo 20d ago
I'm so sorry that you and your bio mom went through this. Unforgivable, really.
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
My great grandma had a child taken from her as well. (She is Choctaw Cherokee.) I feel that intergenerational trauma definitely had a hand in my adoption too, especially since she helped raise my mom.
I’m so sorry for what was done to you, your mother and your Nation. What your AM said is disgusting and racist. I hope you have managed to reconnect with your people.
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u/RedBeans-n-Ricely 20d ago
Wow. I can’t imagine thinking the opportunity to raise a child could be boiled down to “dealing with that race stuff”. You’d think it would be about providing a loving home for a child…
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u/Domestic_Supply 20d ago
Adoption in the US is actually a multibillion dollar industry. Like any other business, the goal is to make as much money as possible. It’s almost unregulated too.
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u/RedBeans-n-Ricely 20d ago
I’m aware, and it disgusts me. I’m also aware that we encourage poor parents to give up their wanted children so that rich people can buy them. In too many ways, it’s human trafficking
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u/69duck420 20d ago
That's horrible, what ethnicity are you that you could have been passed off as a "white" baby? I'm personally Arab but I'm very pale so I'm just curious about what it could be.
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u/Free-oppossums 20d ago
My co-worker's grand daughter is white, blue eyes, mildly curly blonde hair. Her grandfather is very black. The father is a the color of coffee with creamer(I don't know how to say it.) Grandmother and mother are white. Looking at her you would think she was Nordic. ( Good ole USA.)
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u/Technicolor_Reindeer Partassipant [1] 20d ago
I'm a hispanic and middle eastern mix and easily can pass as white. Most people would never guess.
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u/EpicSven7 20d ago
I mean even at the most basic level she needs to know in case her family medical history ever becomes relevant. My parents told me I was adopted early on and gave me the medical info of my bio family and it has been pretty relevant a few times in my life when I ended up in the hospital.
NTA
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u/crotchetyoldwitch Partassipant [1] 20d ago
The first 2 of the 4 kids in our family are adopted. They were told as soon as our parents thought they could understand. I don't remember being told, but also don't remember a time I didn't know. My sibs were told that if they ever wanted to find their birth families, our parents would help them. Our brother wanted to find his birth family and did (they're frickin awesome people). Our oldest sister has never had any interest in finding her birth family, and Mom & Dad were fine with both decisions. People have the right to know where they come from. NTA
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u/Theron3206 19d ago
I don't remember being told, but also don't remember a time I didn't know.
The best way, tell them early (as soon as you get to the "where did I come from" questions) and then it's normal for them.
If they find out you lied to them in their teens (with all the angst and dislike of parental authority that comes with it) you destroy trust that you might never get back.
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u/Wisdom_Pen Partassipant [2] 20d ago
Yeah it’s LITERALLY a human right under international and national law (assuming this is in a western country).
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u/jrm1102 Prime Ministurd [546] 20d ago
Info - just out of curiosity. How do YOU not know that your granddaughter’s mom is not her biomom?
Your son had a kid and you never noticed his wife/gf was not pregnant?
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u/False-Worldliness664 20d ago
They told me, Lindsey explained it calmly and my son was yelling about it. They used to live on the other side of the country and I only met Lindsey when she was about 6 months old
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u/CantEatCatsKevin 20d ago
But what about the 9 months before she was born?! Was there no announcement to expect another kid?! Baby just showed up?
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u/False-Worldliness664 20d ago
Our family has a history of miscarriages so it’s common to drop news about a baby late in the pregnancy. They did the same with their oldest, didn’t think anything about it.
I just assumed it was a rough pregnancy we got pictures soon after her birth. Truly didn’t think anything about it
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u/CelerySecure 20d ago
To be fair, our family is the same way because we have a history of really late term miscarriages and stillbirths. My sister and two of my aunts legit had like 9 miscarriages each and I’ve never had even a pregnancy scare. My aunts both adopted and my sister got lucky on number 10 and had my niece.
Not sure if it’s genetic or what because I don’t plan to procreate and my aunts and sister didn’t check into it.
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u/the3dverse 20d ago
my SIL decided not to tell anyone she was pregnant with twins as there was bleeding and hospital visits at the beginning. she lives on the other side of the world so no one saw her and the twins were born april 1st i was sure it was a joke!
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u/rosecolured Partassipant [2] 20d ago
Not April 1st! With how mischievous my family and friends can be, I would’ve had to physically lay eyes on the child before believing them 🤣
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u/Lingering_Dorkness 19d ago
What your family has gone through is the sort of reason why Lindsey needed to know she's not her mothers biological daughter. What if her biological mother has a similar sort of genetic predisposition, and a pregnancy is potentially life-threatening? That's the sort of thing you'd want to know before getting pregnant. Not after 4 or 5 miscarriages.
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u/Beautiful-Highway755 19d ago
Yep, with a history of miscarriages and pregnancies are often hidden. I’ve had five miscarriages and a stillbirth. My mom didn’t know I was pregnant with my daughter until well into the second trimester, and my aunt and uncles found out when they got an invitation to the sip and see. I could see how this would work and you wouldn’t question it.
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u/esmerelofchaos Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Some cultures really don’t talk about a baby until it’s pretty imminent.
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u/13-indersingh 19d ago
Yes This !!!, agree. I didn't tell anyone except people who physically saw me, waited until baby was born. My cousin too (who lives in another country) told me a couple of weeks before her due date, and literally two weeks later I received photos of baby. So, its a cultural thing too, not everyone announces pregnancy the minute they're pregnant.
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u/nettster 20d ago
I have friends and family that haven’t dropped the news about a pregnancy until the baby was born, they’d had still births, miscarriages etc prior and didn’t want to announce it until they knew the baby was born and healthy. It’s not entirely uncommon for people to not announce things because honestly it’s no one else’s business.
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u/Pyronsy 20d ago
My wife was prone to miscarriages. We didn't announce she was expecting until midway through the 3rd trimester. Add to that, a friend of mine showed no outward signs of pregnancy until about two weeks before she gave birth. No weight loss, no pause in cycle. She didn't even suspect she was pregnant until almost the birth. So there are many reasons why someone wouldn't publicly announce a pregnancy.
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u/Wint3rhart 20d ago
Our family doesn't do announcements, newborn photos, that kind of thing. It feels showy and just not something we've ever really done. So yeah, it really is a "Hey, I heard your cousin had a baby the other day" kind of thing!
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u/jmbbl Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 20d ago
NTA. If you had done this simply to satisfy your own curiosity, then that would be different. But you were helping your granddaughter do something that she herself wanted to do. You're getting heat because her parents are mad at being found out, not because you're actually in the wrong.
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u/Wrong_Door1983 20d ago
Exactly. It was going to be found out whether OP bought the test or not. 15 isn't that young. She'd probably be starting a job soon. Save up a couple months and she'd have enough money for the test herself. The parents shouldn't have been lying to their kid for so long. They're mad they got found out for being AHs themselves.
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u/Exact_Kiwi_3179 19d ago
I totally agree. I'm in Australia, and at 14 I need my daughter's consent to be able to access her Medicare/doctors records (including immunisation record if it's needed for something like school enrolment). The day she turned 14, my access was automatically removed and she had to contact them to allow me access (again this was her choice). At 14 it is within her rights to seek any minor medical treatment without my consent and at 16 can consent as an adult in regards to her medical care. My daughter is now 15, and a DNA test is a minor medical procedure (non-invasive) so if she ever felt like taking one, her doctor could do this without my consent. The fact OP assisted with payment and moral support is irrelevant. Her granddaughter knows who she can trust, where she has support. OP is NTA for being someone who her granddaughter needed, her parents ATH for lying, even when discussions were brought up both by their daughter and the grandmother. Totally their own fault.
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u/LibertySnowLeopard 19d ago
Plus she was just helping granddaughter do what she would have done the moment she turned 18 anyways.
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u/Snowdrrops 19d ago
Plus this poor girl needs family she can trust. I’ve been through the same thing and you lose all trust in your parents. Grandma has shown she has her back which is definitely what this teen needs rn
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u/Character_Spirit_424 Partassipant [1] 19d ago
Exactly, i was thinking crazy MIL assumed cheating and swabbed a baby in its sleep, this was simply assisting a teenager to confirm their own suspicions and help them get information they should have had their entire life
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u/Grand-Corner1030 Certified Proctologist [20] 20d ago
NTA. Lindsey already knew. The only part she didn't know, which parent was hers biologically. Lindsey isn't dumb.
She was going to find out, or she was going to continue to get lied to for 3 more years.
Your son is trying to deflect blame onto you. He's angry that he got caught lying to his kid and to his parent.
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u/clusterturkey 20d ago
A determined 15 year old would have gotten ahold of a DNA test one way or the other. Like others have said, at least this way the girl knows she has someone to trust
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u/motific 20d ago
100% this - people vastly underestimate the capabilities of a determined teenager.
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u/recreationallyused 19d ago
It’s like people are forgetting why teenagers can be difficult to deal with. When they want something, they want it now, and they will get creative about finding ways to do it. Teenagers aren’t stupid, they’re just not great decision makers at times.
She was going to get the DNA test. The only question for her was how, lol.
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u/Solid_Quote9133 Pooperintendant [63] 20d ago
She would have done it the moment she got christmas/holiday money. The consent forms are super easy to fake.
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u/Durp_Faced_Thespian 19d ago
I’ve had Ancestry DNA on my Amazon wishlist since I first made an Amazon account at like 14 years old. OP literally just funded her granddaughter’s purchase.
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u/funkydaffodil 20d ago
My thoughts exactly. I like Linsey. She's a smart one. Her parents however...
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u/Discount_Mithral Certified Proctologist [20] 20d ago
I'm going with NTA simply because you were asked to buy the test for her. You didn't go out to be snoopy - she asked. Her parents were keeping a secret they were ok with, but clearly, she wasn't.
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u/Santos_L_Halper_II 20d ago
This. Also, all the grandparent did was accelerate the timeline on this. Once Lindsey was grown there was no way to stop her from buying and submitting her own test anyway. This was eventually going to happen and the parents should've gotten ahead of it a lot sooner, especially when they were put on notice that Lindsey was asking questions.
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u/Solid_Quote9133 Pooperintendant [63] 20d ago
This probably would have happened when she got Christmas money, its not hard to fake the consent form
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u/Santos_L_Halper_II 20d ago
True. I was thinking more about the money issue than the consent form anyway.
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u/rkiive 20d ago
Once Lindsey was grown there was no way to stop her from buying and submitting her own test anyway
She's 15. If granny didn't help her she would have just done it on her own.
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u/Santos_L_Halper_II 20d ago
Maybe but she certainly would have as an adult. Grandma either sped the process up by a few years or a few days but either way this was a train wreck that was going to happen and it’s the parents who caused it.
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u/Mizu005 Asshole Aficionado [14] 20d ago
NTA, her parents were causing her distress with their secret keeping and hamfisted method of trying to stop her from 'finding out' about the secret that basically involved telling her straight to her face that there was something about her ancestry they didn't want her to know so she isn't allowed to get DNA tests. You aren't to blame for their poor handling of the situation that put the girl in distress and made her come running to you hoping to find the answers to the questions they stupidly made sure to tell her she should be asking. They had every opportunity to handle this in a mature and sensible way but decided that would be too hard and awkward to deal with and stuck their heads in the sand.
Seriously, the very instant they banned her from getting that test the jig was basically up and the only question was 'what exactly are they hiding from me' so far as the girl they were lying to was concerned.
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u/cak3crumbs 20d ago
NTA
I had a parallel experience.
I look nothing like my siblings so I got my sister and I to take a DNA test. Turns out, we were full siblings, but in looking at 2nd-3rd cousins something wasn’t adding up.
Turns out my Mom had a different biological father. Accidentally outed my Grandma’s infidelity. She was PISSED and shocked we could find that out with modern tech. She had fully intended on taking it to the grave.
That girl had a right to know her biological parentage.
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u/dtsm_ 20d ago
:( how did your mom react to finding out?
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u/cak3crumbs 20d ago edited 19d ago
Really well! Her sister passed away 30 years ago and she wasn’t super close to her Mom or who she thought was her Dad.
It took me 3 years to figure it out. Contacting 2nd-3rd cousins and building family trees. My Moms bio dad had 5 other children with 3 other women, all still living.
It took me 3 years because he had been adopted by his step dad as a kid after his bio father dropped dead of a heart attack at age 39. My Moms bio dad died of a heart attack at age 53.
For medical history reasons alone. Kids deserve to know their biological parentage.
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u/Shazza_Mc_ShazzaFace Partassipant [2] 20d ago
Oof... Grandma got busted!
Makes me wonder about my maternal side 🤔 My mother is the eldest of 7, they ALL vary in looks. BUT, being Filipino, their ethnicity is a mixed bag of genes anyways.
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u/MelQMaid 20d ago
My Filipino family did the dna test and there wasn't a hint of Spanish ancestry. It was interesting in some ways.
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u/Empyforreal 19d ago
And I had another facet of this experience -- was blonde/blue when my parents were both brown/hazel.
My dad's new wife pressured him to get a paternity test when I was 12.
Guess who is his daughter and doesn't keep in touch anymore? :P
I just wanted to put this here because of the OP going off the girl's coloring, correct or not in this case. It doesn't mean shit, genetics love to do fucky things.
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u/Thatsaclevername Partassipant [4] 20d ago
NTA - Only because Lindsey was pressuring you about it. Like you didn't put yourself in their business, she did, and you advocated on her behalf.
IF there's anything you omitted about how much Lindsey influenced this event, you got a reckoning coming. But it's insane that her parents thought "well she's 15 and we told her she's banned from taking one of those kits that just get mailed to your house and sent back in a pre-paid shipping envelope. That should be the end of that problem we can continue lying to her about it. No way is she gonna get around that banning no siree"
That was a stupid move on their part. Played their whole hand right out of the gate, likely committed her even further to figuring it out on her own. At least now she has somebody in her family she can trust, won't feel like everyone's been in on this big lie in her life.
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u/call_me_fred 20d ago
Definitely. If it wasn't grandma it would have been a friends or an acquaintance or heck, even saving up money and getting it shipped to a corner store. 15 year olds have a lot more agency than reddit likes to think.
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u/zeptillian 20d ago
You don't even have to have it mailed to your house.
You can buy a kit in the store and drop the thing off in a mailbox then get the results by email.
There was zero chance her parents could stop her from taking the test.
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20d ago
Fact. If i was a teen and i kinda wanted to do a DNA test and my parents freaked and BANNED me from getting one, the only thing i would focus on is how im getting this test cause something is REALLY OFF. Those parents are fucking dumb.
Like if she hadnt been suspicious before the ban, their reaction would have def triggered it :D
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u/Potential_Ad_1397 20d ago
I went back and forth on this. I don't know how I feel about you, but I do believe the parents are the Ah. Majorly. This girl has felt a disconnect from her family and her parents kept ignoring her pleas. They shut down any conversation, refusing to listen to her.
I assume they did so to protect your son from his cheating. They did it to protect their image. However, this did this at the expense of their daughter. That is why they are the ah.
You did overstep. You did go against your granddaughter’s parents, but you did so because of your granddaughter. I can't call you the Ah for that but I am not sure I would call you Right.
NTA (as I can't blame you for doing as your Granddaughter wanted. She would have done this with or without you.)
However, the four of you, especially the parents, need to stop focusing on how the granddaughter got the information and focus on the fact that it is out there. They are fighting the wrong battle.
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u/kscannon Partassipant [1] 20d ago
What is there to go back and forth about? Her granddaughter approached her after talking to her parents who wanted to hide everything. The only thing OP could do differently is talk to her son and go " Your daughter wants to know why her genetics do not line up. Either tell her if you are hiding something, buy her the test or I will buy the test. If you do not do it now. 3 year from now, she will do it when she is off at college and it will be so much worse for your relationship with your daughter than whatever is going on now"
NTA from OP or her granddaughter.
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u/rocky3rocky 19d ago
There is value to this action because the granddaughter still has some member of her family she can trust. The alternative scenario was when she turned 18 she would have learned she had no elder family that she could trust. That would have caused more damage.
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u/TopAd7154 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 20d ago
Get her into therapy ASAP. Please.
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u/Durtonious 20d ago
This sub needs a new initialism.
ENT: Everyone Needs Therapy
No assholes, everyone doesn't "suck", but something is still very wrong.
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u/mmmmmmnmmmmmmmmmmmm 19d ago
Well that's no fun, 90% of the posts would end with ENT.
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u/The_Bad_Agent Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 20d ago
NTA the kid knew something was suspicious. She went to you for help. As soon as she started questioning it, her parents should have told her. They messed up, not you.
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u/seregil42 Pooperintendant [54] 20d ago
While I normally don't like going behind the parents' backs, I think I'll go with NTA. This all stems from the father's actions and his unwillingness to accept the consequences of those actions. 15 is old enough for a kid to not be lied to about stuff like this. Besides, you've now established yourself as the only family member that Lindsey can trust. That's probably going to be an important role for the next few years.
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u/aurortonks 19d ago
I would argue that when parents fail a child, someone needs to step in and be the adult. Lindsey is 15 and old enough to not only have a right to know the truth, but also start to figure it out on her own. Lindsay went to a trusted adult family member when her parents failed and OP didn't do anything wrong (in my opinion) in getting that test. If anything, its better that everything is out in the open now instead of leaving the poor teenager to suffer. All the parents were trying to do was delay the inevitable at the expense of their child's mental health.
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u/VeritasB Partassipant [1] 20d ago
The minute they realized she was interested in a DNA test they should have been honest with her. Now they have a pissed off 15 year old that feels betrayed. I sure hope they are getting her some therapy. NTA for wanting to help, however it wasn't your place to do something against her parents wishes.
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u/faithfuljohn 19d ago
the irony is that there was no way they could have stopped her entirely. the best they could do is delay her until she either has the money or she turns 18. Knowing this, I don't get what their long term plan was for dealing with this. Keep lying until she figures it out???? Then what??
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u/Wafflehouseofpain 19d ago
She’s 15. Her wishes about wanting to know her own lineage supercede anything her parents want.
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u/theassholethrowawa Craptain [154] 20d ago
NTA: You wouldn't have had to go through this if they weren't actively trying to hide it. See was eventually going to find out.
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u/Tomboyish717 Partassipant [3] 20d ago
Oh boy. The thing is, the research is VERY clear here: not knowing your own origin story is detrimental to a person.
Everyone who is donor conceived or adopted, who was lied to, normally hates their parents or has issues. Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but still.
Will be doing a round of IVF with donor eggs soon and have put a lot of thought into this issue. It’s not easy for the parents, but what kind of parent does what’s good for them and not the child.
Kids are so intuitive…she somewhat already knew.
While it’s almost never cool to go against the parents wishes I am ok with it in this case simply because it is what’s best for the child in the long run.
Also, dna kits are now sold in grocery stores. Especially during the holidays. All you need is an email address. The child WAS going to do it eventually. At least this way she had an adult to know and hopefully guide the experience.
OP will be the calm in the storm for this child as a beacon of truth and trust.
I get that the idea behind adoption and donor conceived people decades ago was different and parents did what was the best advice back then. There was no way this was going to stay hidden, so they can blame OP, but it was gonna happen. Period.
NTA
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u/Icy_Acanthaceae8731 20d ago edited 19d ago
Second this. Single mom with donor conceived children here. I specifically went with an open donor who would be anonymous, but was willing to meet with the kids when they turn 18 if the kids want to (all the research I did said that most kids won’t necessarily follow through, but they did want to have the option). Until then, both my children are in touch with their donor siblings (diblings) because we created a private group shortly after the first few were born and we found each other on the sperm bank forums. In no way, shape, or form did I ever think it would be a good idea to hide this information from my kids.
My oldest was probably around 4 when I initially introduced the situation to them and they didn’t even blink. My youngest has essentially always known.
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u/AKlife420 Asshole Aficionado [15] 20d ago
NTA. She needed to know. Better for her to know now and not when she's 40. They shouldn't have lied to her.
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u/Beth21286 20d ago
Granddaughter would have found a way to get the test herself anyway, taken a credit card or forged the form. In my country you can buy DNA tests at the supermarket, they're not legally binding but they do the job. ETA just checked, they're £19.99.
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u/PhilMcGraw 20d ago
YTA. Bit out of the norm for the responses here, but you should have gone through your son/DIL and convinced them. Told them that the Biology teacher had highlighted that she had traits that didn't make sense etc. and convinced them that Lindsey was going to find out either way.
It would have allowed them to find a way to tell her without it being forced on them angrily. A DNA test is the absolute worst way to be told. I'm sure they would have much rather told her than let her find out by a DNA test if that is what was coming.
Even giving them a heads up that she had done a DNA test before you had the results would have worked. Instead you let her do the test, get the results and then blow up at the parents.
Obviously they are also the assholes for not telling her when questions started coming, but they are in a much harder place to recover from now that she found out from a third party.
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u/Technicolor_Reindeer Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Clearly they weren't going to tell the truth. People lie, DNA tests don't.
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u/PhilMcGraw 20d ago
We don't know anything about the parents here short of some blurbs and previously telling the grandmother to leave it alone, so "clearly" is a bit strong.
I'm suggesting they should have been confronted with the fact that the daughter has a pretty strong inkling something is amiss, has been told she has genetic traits that do not make sense if they are her biological parents, and is trying to get her own DNA test.
If they know she is going to find out the truth one way or another I'm sure any rational person would rather explain it in their own way nicely than be on the defensive side when the daughter comes at them with proof.
Say you adopted a child and decided to keep it a secret so they felt like part of the family growing up. If you found out they were getting a DNA test because they felt something was off, would you prefer to tell them before they saw the results, or explain it to them after they got the results?
Anyway, everyone has their own take, but personally I think the parents should have been given a lot more of a chance to come clean before the daughter had the answer. The parents relationship with the daughter will need a lot more work to get the trust back because she found out via a test rather than gently via the parents. I'm sure there were good intentions behind not telling her.
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u/abanit 19d ago
It's remarkable how little depth of insight these NTA voters have. Solving this grand injustice with 0 regard for repercussions and ramifications.
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u/memecher33 19d ago
What about the parents' actions give the idea that they would have ever told Lindsey? They straight up banned her from doing an ancestry test - and those aren't even 100% accurate. All that did was make their daughter distraught because it confirms there's something to hide.
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u/DLCMotroni Certified Proctologist [29] 20d ago edited 20d ago
Your grandchild came to you for help and direction. Obviously she already knew something was up and just wanted confirmation. Was it your place to do what you did? Absolutely - your are her family, her support, and for those who think Y T A, the parents hand MULTIPLE chances to handle their business, they didn't, a 15 yo is old enough to sit down and have the hard talk, they chose to sweep it under the rug, ignore her requests, and punish her for having intuitions - Lindsey knew before any test was even given. NTA - stay strong and good luck!
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u/TheGoodSquirt 20d ago
Since you put Y T A first, the bot is going to count that. Space it out so the N T A at the end counts
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u/OrangeCubit Craptain [152] 20d ago
NTA - what she experienced is called “genetic bewilderment” and it is real. The people she trusted most in her life have been lying to her and she was going to find out as soon as she could afford a DNA test. Your son and his wife brought this on themselves, lies never stay hidden and it was negatively affecting her mental health and well being.
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u/Big_Alternative_3233 20d ago
Well technically you’re AH because minors generally cannot take commercial DNA tests without parental permission. But the parents are AH for hiding the whole thing.
So ESH. Except Lindsey
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u/RealisticTreacle7392 19d ago
Bullshit.
No biology teacher would say that, give me a break.
What DNA sample of the mothers did you have to compare it to?
Bullshit.
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u/defenestrate8 19d ago
Bingo. OP hasn't answered this question since posting. This story is bullshit.
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u/DrTeethPhD Partassipant [1] 20d ago
Short answer: NTA with an 'if'; long answer: ESH with a 'but'
You are NTA for doing what you did.
You son and DIL are not AHs for taking Lindsey in (obviously), and for, at first, not explaining her lineage to her.
But once she started asking questions, and not getting satisfactory answers, her parents should have taken action then, and had, first, a discussion alone with Lindsey, and then with the whole fam damily.
But when Lindsey came to YOU, whatever your suspicions, you should have gone to your son and DIL and said, 'Look, Lindsey has some legitimate questions and concerns. She's not just going to let this go, and I'm not going to encourage her to do so. I don't care what the truth is, but she does. If you don't explain it to her,to HER satisfaction, then I'm going to help her take a DNA test.' That would have given them an opportunity to address the situation.
(And yes, the parents could have lied, but it would have had to have been a damn good lie to convince a curious 15 year old girl with a bee in her bonnet.)
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u/Glad_Scratch_6011 20d ago
NtA your a good grandmother you answer so many questions for your granddaughter don’t. Worry when she is 18 she will go no contact with parents and come to you so don’t worry your granddaughter will come to you if her parents don’t like it or not
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u/kiwimuz 20d ago
NTA. You were helping her to answer some very important questions she had. Her parents should have been open and honest. She is 15 and definitely old enough to know the truth.
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u/Comfortable-Reply35 Partassipant [1] 20d ago
I agree with you, here. Lindsey already knew enough to have questions. The parents had an opportunity to sit their daughter down and explain what happened. They chose to keep hiding things.
Her parents are TAH in this story. You were trying to support your Granddaughter. Also, you talked to the parents and gave them a warning that their daughter suspected things. If you wouldn't have done this, someone else would have and you would have been in the party that tried to hide if from her.
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u/ifdefmoose 20d ago
NTA.
I was initially going to say y-t-a for sticking your nose into your son’s family’s business, but Lindsey came to you for help, and she’s clearly more than old enough to know the truth about her parentage.
Your son and his wife are the a-holes for trying to conceal this when she obviously had questions.
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u/No-Abies-1232 20d ago
ESH - your son and his wife had no right to lie to your granddaughter. But you absolutely had no right to do a DNA test on any of their kids without their permission. You didn’t KNOW they were lying so people are going to excuse your behavior bc they lied to their kid, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are an AH.
Be prepared to be cut off from all your other grandkids and the 15 year old, at least until she is an adult. It is illegal in many places for an adult to DNA test a minor without parental consent. I hope they pursue legal action against you.
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 20d ago
Your son cheated on his wife, got that woman pregnant and then his wife not only took him back but raised his affair child as her own. Your DIL deserves a medal! Yes they were wrong by keeping this from your granddaughter, but really who wants this information to get out? You are not wrong for helping her discover the truth, because she knew she was different and she would have found out when she turned 18 anyway. But your son is the problem here and his wife and daughter are the victims.
Try to keep in touch with your granddaughter, but if they go NC with you because of this, let her know you will be waiting when she is 18.
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u/Sassy-Peanut 20d ago
Did your son and DIL really think they could gaslight Lindsey when she was already suspicious? She was going to find out, so it would have been less dramatic for them to have explained when she asked the first time. Now it's a big family issue and you are being blamed - Not good parenting.
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u/PKMNTrainerAlhari 20d ago edited 19d ago
Will probably get downvoted but ESH (but Lindsey). You don’t get a teenager whatever because they ask, you wouldn’t get them a gun or a puppy or a car. The parents said no, you just wanted to expose their secret for yourself without thinking of the consequences. You disrespected their boundaries. Should the parents have told her? Maybe. Was she actually ready for the truth? Maybe there’s something about the bio-mom they don’t want their daughter to know like a criminal background? The bio mom gave her up so at the end of the day the woman who raised her is her mother. You should have had a private and judgment free conversation with your son and vouched for your granddaughter first before taking the nuclear option but open discussions don’t seem customary practice. Edit: changed vote
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u/charlieswho 19d ago
YTA It was not your place to get involved. She could’ve taken it when she turned 18 or you could’ve talked to her parents directly about why it’s not ok to lie to her and how it would damage the relationship. You inserted yourself into a personal family matter that was between parents and child…..because you were “curious.” That’s messed up.
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u/ThePisswaterPrince 20d ago
Honestly, how are you not massively pissed off at your son and daughter-in-law for keeping this secret from you? I'd be fuming at my child for not coming to me with a situation like this.
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u/AGoodFaceForRadio Asshole Enthusiast [8] 20d ago
She was going to find out anyway. That’s not the issue. The issue, and why I’m including you among the people in the wrong here, is you facilitated her finding out in a bad way. Now she’s adrift with no support and stuck processing this news effectively on her own.
ESH (except Lindsey, of course; I hope there are brighter, calmer days ahead for her)
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u/HRHArgyll 20d ago
NTA. You were asked by your granddaughter who is way past old enough to have learned this info. You responded appropriately. Your son is a fool and his wife is almost as bad.
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